This week's post will be delayed. It will be coming to you this weekend from NEW ORLEANS!

That's right fellow Fat Kids, I am going to New Orleans this weekend.  Two days and three nights of booze fueled soul food shenanigans!  I'm not sure what I'll be writing about, but I plan on picking whatever the most amazing thing that I happen to eat or drink for my next entry.  There will be pictures, grammatical errors, and it will probably reek of booze.  WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Things That Aren't Food

So, sometimes, I do things that don't involve food.  This may seem weird, but it's true and I promise I'm not making it up.  Sometimes these things are cars (I drive a wicked bitchin' car), or motorcycles (I'm building a wicked bitchin' motorcycle.......... that isn't for me), ladies (I'm.......... building.......... a wicked bitchin' lady?), and other not food things.

Still not a food.......... and not terribly relevant.

Anywho.  So, there I was, covered in lime Jello and not ever telling you about this story because it's weird and I don't like where it ended up and sometimes I shouldn't share things that don't need to be shared publicly but I do anyways because I crave attention and now this is a run on sentence.  

It occurs to me that a lot of people don't have hobbies.  Hobbies are important.  Eating delicious things that are awesome and delicious is one of my many hobbies.  This is an important thing to have in your life.  As much as I love my delicious food stuffs hobby, I also try to have other hobbies.  Building motorcycles lets me feel creative because, let's face it, I can't paint for shit.  Also, who paints?  Really though, who actually does that?  I'm not talking about painting cars or houses.  I want to know how many people out there are using their creative juices (or, other personal juices, if you're willing to share that with the group) to put paint on a canvas with a paint brush.  That is some seriously serious shit right there.  I have deep interpersonal relationships with actresses, models, photographers, and filmmakers, only a few of which are entirely through social media and mostly in my head, and I would be far more impressed by someone that puts paint to canvas via a brush.  That is some seriously artistic shit, just for the record.

At this point, it should be really fucking clear that I have completely lost my train of thought.  So, I think I might go finish my fifth Diesel (it's a beer thing, look it up), start on my sixth, and go watch Trainspotting or listen to Supergrass.  

Or maybe I'll just make more stupid jokes about Lindsey Lohan.  You never can tell where the evening might lead.

Ciao Bella Blood Orange Sorbet and Oral Surgery

For those that are unaware, live under rocks, don't enjoy things that don't suck, or just hate life, sorbet is pretty amazing.  Especially amazing sorbet is even more amazing than standard sorbet.  This particular sorbet, Ciao Bella Blood Orange Sorbet, likes to hide in the hippie dippie, organic, "Health Food" section of most grocery stores.  So, skip shaving your legs and armpits for a few days, put on your favorite pair of Birkenstocks, and venture forth to the land of the patchouli scent.  Once there, you will surely find the object of your desire, Blood Orange Sorbet.  This stuff is refreshing in the most amazing way.  Think of the hardest, sweatiest, back breakingest day of work you have ever accomplished.  Now, imagine an incredible hot naked waitress brings you your favorite ice cold beer.  That's some pretty refreshing shit, right there.  Well, fuck your naked beer server (you know, if you get the chance), because this sorbet is even more refreshing.  That's pretty fucking refreshing.  So, you know, it's pretty good is what I'm trying to say.

This brings me to why I got to eat a bunch of Blood Orange Sorbet.  Today, I had oral surgery, which means I got to eat lots of Blood Orange Sorbet with my doctor's blessing.  In fact, other than giving me pretty awesome post wisdom tooth removal drugs, this was the best thing my nurse gave me.  I was given medical permission, nay medical directions, to eat as much as I wanted.  So, being a teensy bit high and possessing the impulse control of a five year old, I super ate a bunch of it.  It was just as delicious as always, even though I could only feel about half my tongue.  Apparently, the other half isn't needed to taste delicious awesome.

Some of you, way out there in the land of the internets, may have never experienced the joys of oral surgery.  My particular visit was to remove three wisdom teeth.  Let me tell you, it is just a big old suck salad.  Having teeth yanked out of your head, even by a trained professional, is not super fun.  I recommend the "put me the fuck to sleep" method.  I figured it was no big deal, so I went at it just being all numbed up (I had a little help from my dear friend Valium, but otherwise I took it like a completely numb man!).  This is a terrible idea.  Let your doctor put you to sleep.  Fuck that, MAKE your doctor put you to sleep.  There is no amount of fun involved in a stranger poking around in your mouth, yanking on things, and using tools you don't know the name of to do it.


Okay, I take it back.  Sometimes that scenario is awesome.  It just doesn't involve the dentist.

I am not a scientist

Just to be clear, if the title doesn't already make it clear, I am not a scientist.  I can read some sciencey words and kind of, sort of, a little bit, know what they mean, but I'm not a scientist in any sense of the word. So, now that that's cleared up, let me explain why that's important.

Food is kind of science.  Certain things go together to create certain reactions and then you put those reactions in your face hole. If you do it right it won't suck. If you do it wrong you might as well call some sort of hazmat team to fix your fuck up, because it's gonna be gross.  So, how the shit do big companies use ingredients with names I can't pronounce manage to make food that doesn't taste like an oil spill? I have absolutely no idea. I have a college education.  Not one of the mail order ones either.  I went to big boy school and I can't pronounce this shit.  But, I'll be damned if eating an Oreo doesn't have me at half mast. I use ingredients that have been on the planet far longer than I have, but I still can't make anything as boner inducingly delicious as some of the prepackaged crap in the world. Also, I try really really hard to make food that is unnecessarily good, but those Nabisco fucking wizards always have to raise the damn bar.

Still has less natural ingredients than an Oreo

So, as my final thought, fuck you food scientists. You have set an unfair cookie bar for the rest of us and you should feel bad.  

Seriously though, don't eat that shit. It's bad for you. 

It's been.......... a while.

So, I know it's been just a little bit since my last post, but that's fine.  Lots of writers take long periods off in between publishing one piece and another.  Those people are writing books, and I recognize that, but I'm not them and you're not my supervisor, so shut up.  Since I've been gone I have eaten a bunch of tasty fat kid food, drank lots of delicious bourbon and ice cube based beverages, and probably did some other important things.  Those things aren't as important as food or bourbon and ice cube based beverages, so I won't be writing about them.

Anywho.......... Looks like I need to make a store run!

Getting It Right!

Question: What do we do when we fall off the horse?

Answer: Fuck riding horses.  Turn them into food.

HOORAY!  WE'RE GONNA BE FOOD!

          When you first start trying to prepare delicious meals, you will likely suck at it.  This is normal, okay, and not a huge worry.  Unless your mother spent time in a federal detention center for insider trading, you likely weren’t born with the skills needed to make food perfect right from the start.  If you happen to be the culinary equivalent of Superman, fuck you.  Dick.  Go back to being awesome.  The rest of us will work at trying to be as amazing as you while looking less retarded in tights.  

What a bag of dicks.

Try this stuff out on yourself or your friends (preferably the ones that love you enough not to punch you in the face if the food is bad) before feeding it to anyone.  This works especially well if you’ve all been drinking, heavily.  If your food tastes like ass, you’ll all laugh and make jokes about how you rubbed your balls in it before letting them eat it.  If it’s amazing, nothing makes a drunk happier than good food.  Drunks are also more likely to be honest with you.  If the aforementioned anyones  are already into you, they might not want to hurt your tender girly feelings, but they also won’t be nearly as turned on by your incredible Fat Kid prowess.  Nothing un-coitus’ someone faster than having to coddle you like your mom.  Buck up, test some shit out on you and your friends, and have a laugh.  The end bonus to all this: Regardless of your sexual indications, People dig confidence, so looking super confident while you’re cooking will get them turned on even before the food starts doing it.  That’s horny^2 if you’re into math. 

Juicy, delicious, Top Sirloin and Feta Burger!

Since I've been sick these last couple of weeks, I figured I'd provide a delicious treat for all of our Fat loving mouths.  Without further ado, I give to you, a big ass Top Sirloin and Feta Burger, on a kaiser roll, with avocado and all the fixings.  Prepare your faces.

Now it's time to eat this big bastard.

And, just because I love you, here is the post game wrap up.  It's a little ridiculous.  

This recipe bested me.  It bested me in every way.