Effins Jerky Company. A review.

I'm not sure if all of you know about Effins Jerky Company, but, the amazingly talented Kevin Cahill owns a beef jerky company with that name. This man is a beef jerky GOD! He does things with meat that are borderline inappropriate to talk about. Thankfully, I'm writing and not talking, so we're in the clear. He is a friend of mine over on the Book of Face. You may know of it as Facebook. He is the kind of friend that you want. In fact, he is the kind of friend that you need. Today, I received a package of the Hawaiian and the Hot and Sweet jerky that he sells. Here is how that made me feel.


To start, the Hawaiian, OMFG the Hawaiian. Seriously, in my mouth, OMFG. I've been to Hawaii, several times in fact. It doesn't taste like this. This tastes like a Hawaiian girl, with a perfect body, dancing the Hula in your mouth while talking about the naughty things she's going to do to you in that Hula skirt. OMFG The Hawaiian. In my defense, when I was in Hawaii, I was too young for those kinds of things to happen. Now though, I'll just eat his jerky and save myself the cost of a plane ticket. Next, the Hot and Sweet. It is a literal perfect combination of hot and sweet. It's like a quirky girl. Just hot enough to get you riled, but just sweet enough to introduce to your mom. This particular jerky is everything that Zooey Deschanel tries to exude at all times.

In conclusion, go to Facebook and like Effins Jerky Company (which can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Effins-Jerky-Company/254475591248243).  You will like it, he will like it, and it will make the world a better place.  Holy balls, that was good.  

Pictured: Effins Jerky, not fucking around in any way.

Perfect Pre/Post Coitus Breakfast

Breakfast….. for dinner, or breakfast even.

This one is a no-brainer.  Every once in a while it’s cool to have breakfast for dinner.  Everyone knows this.  If our 9 year old selves could teach us one thing about food, it would be that sometimes pancakes, a couple eggs, and some bacon is what your ass needs to make for dinner!  When Mom did it for you when you were a kid, it was awesome.  When you do it for your prospective mate, if you do it right, they will melt like a warm pat of butter down the side of a golden brown pancake.  This should look almost exactly like honey, butter, or other delicious things running down a perfectly tanned ass.  It’s a good thing, if you’re confused. 

-Perfect Pre/Post Coitus Pancakes-

1 ½ cups of flour

3 ½ teaspoons of baking powder

1 teaspoon of salt

2 big ol’ heaping tablespoons of brown sugar

1 teaspoon to 1 tablespoon of vanilla (the fake kind is ok in the same way that fake breasts are okay – artificial only passes for real from a distance)

Cinnamon - to taste

1 large egg

1 ½ cups of raw milk

3 tablespoons of butter, melted

Some form of delicious syrupy goodness

Put each ingredient in a big bowl, in the order it’s listed, except for the syrup.  That goes on your date….. and, to a lesser degree, your pancakes.  This process is simple.  Dry ingredients, followed by wet ingredients, makes things good.  This is a life lesson.  Learn it.  She’ll like you for it.  Mix your pancake batter with a fork or a whisk; this will make it come out nice and smooth.  When they are mixed to a smooth consistency you’re done.  It’s almost exactly like the opposite of rocket science.  Next, take a 2/3 or ¾ measuring cup and use it to scoop perfect amounts of batter for your pancakes.  

This guy is should have doubled the recipe.

Take the other half of the stick of butter and jam a fork in it.  This is for greasing your pan.  Spray on grease tastes like ass, and not in any way that can be confused with good either.  It tastes like oily chemical ass.  This is very similar to what most of the air tastes like in Los Angeles.  You don’t want your pancakes to taste like Los Angeles, not for any reason, not ever, so just use the butter.  Make sure you don’t turn your heat up too high.  You want to cook your pancakes in a non-stick pan, with the butter, at about ½ to ¾ strength (also known as medium to medium high).  When they start to have bubbles coming through the top, flip them.  It might take a couple of tries to get the timing for flipping them just right, since every stove is just a little bit different than the one at your Mom’s house (because her pancakes were always perfect), which is why this recipe will likely make more than you need.  When done, you should have between 7 and 9 delicious cakes of sex-inducing goodness.  Now, if you need to be told how to make a few pieces of bacon and how to fry a couple of eggs, you’re screwed.  Also, get good syrup.  Mrs. Butterworth is rad and all, but remember: you’re trying to be classy.  It also doesn’t taste nearly as good as pure maple out of a prospective steady's belly button. 

-Variations-

If you really aren’t an eggs and bacon kind of person, grab some Nutella (also delicious served warm on a post dinner nipple), slice up some bananas and strawberries, and make this shit classy!  Added bonus, taking slices of strawberries with some Nutella on them and hand feeding them to your date.  Melt factor increases by a minimum of 10 fold.  It’s proven math.  Ask a scientist!

Like this, only less hairy.  Scratch that, I would love this.

Guinness and Coffee Beef Stew with Homemade Irish Soda Bread

And now, without further ado, we bring to you Sir Andrew Hass of Fat Kiddington Nomsenshire.  

Guinness and Coffee Beef Stew


1 lb of organic beef
1-2 organic tomatoes (depending on size) or 1-2 cups cherry tomatoes
3 organic carrots
3 stalks of organic celery
1 organic yellow onion
3 organic red potatoes
1 stick of organic pasture butter
4 cloves of organic garlic
1 12oz bottle of Guinness
1/2 cup of coffee
Rosemary, Sage, Salt and Pepper


The day before making your stew, simply cube your beef and place it in a bowl.  Marinate the beef in 1/4 cup of black coffee and 1/4 cup of Irish whiskey.  You can also dice up your tomatoes and add them to this if you want.  That's how I do it, it's good, and you should want to be awesome like me.  Also, this gives you a good excuse to crack open your whiskey.  To finish making your stew, follow the instructional video made exclusively by us, at our state of the art Fat Kid Noms laboratory.


We now return you to your regularly scheduled drooling.

Traditional Irish Soda Bread


4 cups of all purpose flour
1 heaping teaspoon baking soda
1 heaping teaspoon salt
11/2 cups buttermilk


This bread is so good it borders on being obnoxious.  It's a super easy process.  If you can't make this bread, don't ever try to bake anything ever again.  You'll probably just end up setting yourself on fire if you try.  Take your ingredients, mix them in a bowl until a dough forms.  Take the dough, roll it into a rough ball shape, place it in a greased pan.  This works best in a dutch oven, but if you don't have one that is okay.  Simply take your circular baking pan and cover it with another one.  This will trap the moisture in your bread making it moist and delicious and a little sexy.  Pop that bad boy in the oven at 425 for 30 minutes.  When your alarm goes off, take the bread out of the oven, uncover it, sprinkle with a few drops of water and place back in the oven for 15 more minutes.  When this is done, put it on a plate.  This last part is important.  If it doesn't make it to a plate it may not get eaten with stew.  If that happens, your day will suck.  Just saying.

Plated.  Food coma commenced approximately 10 minutes later.

Picking the right ingredients!

Of the actual cooking lessons provided here, this is the one you really need to remember.  No one cares if you eat boxed mac and cheese 5 nights a week, in your underwear, out of the pan, in your living room, while drinking "beer", as long as you are the only one involved.  

If you think this type of behavior will ever get you friends, a girlfriend/boyfriend, anything other than the scorn of your peers, you are sorely mistaken.  If it does, write a book, because apparently the rest of us are doing it wrong.  Quality food, like the type you are trying to make for this and any other particular meals, requires quality ingredients.  Exactly none of the ingredients you use to make these meals can be substituted with MSG, boxed things, vegetables that come from cans, or frozen to preserve freshness vegetable medleys.  These things only qualify as food in emergencies.  

Open In Emergency.......... that involves at least 10 zombies.

In fact, half the stuff in them is not actually food.  On this same note, you are not allowed to prepare any of these meals with things you find at a store with a name that rhymes with “Doll-Part”.  This is not an anti-giant corporation thing, it’s a quality thing.  If they had a quality food section at any point in their history, it set itself on fire.  This is not to say you have to seek out your local farmer for each and every vegetable.  We don’t actually expect you to get to know the cow, pig, or any other animal you are about to turn into food.  You can if you want, but getting to know the animal you are going to eat seems a little too Hannibal Lecter.  What we’re going for here is quality.  Think about your perfect mate for a minute.  Perfect mates are usually not full of artificial ingredients, they are perfect straight from the.......... farm?  They aren’t too small, too large, or too full of genetic modifications either.  They are fresh, firm, and taste good (If they don’t, leave.  Say nothing, just stand up and leave).  Vegetables work the same way.  “Doll-Part” vegetables are injected with scary things that you probably don’t want to eat.  Cheap, untrustworthy vegetables should be looked at like a Lindsay Lohan.  

Not a food.

They might look good from a distance, but you probably wouldn’t like them in real life.  They are too big, feel waxy, and are an insult to all that is holy about ……… food?  Vegetables?  I’m getting side tracked.  The point is, your average grocery store works fine.  If they have an organic section, great!  If not, that’s okay too.  As long as your ingredients are not engineered, rather than grown, you’re probably in the clear. 

Before

After

With all that having been said, get the good stuff and use it just right.  You are trying to have a decent meal here, and hopefully more than once in your life, so follow the instructions and you’ll be fine. 

Cakegasm! Delicious Mama's Cake

Welcome fellow foodies and Fat Kids! For our first recipe/post/general drooling event, I figured we should celebrate. What do celebrations have? Celebrations have cake. This is a known fact, it can't be argued, and why would you want to anyways? When I take the time to make a cake, that cake better create mouthgasms that level mountains! This cake is all that and more. This is the second time I've used this cake for celebratory reasons and I have no interest in stopping. Around our house, we call this the Mama Cake, as it was first made to entice my wife on Mother's Day. Really though, this was a present for me. Since Valentine's Day is just around the corner, I figured this would be a celebratory double whammy for all my foodie lovers out there.

Delicious Mama's Cake

The Cake:

2 cups cake flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 stick unsalted pasture butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 large eggs
1 cup buttermilk

The Berry Topping:
1/2 cup Port
1/2 cup brown sugar
As many fresh organic strawberries, blueberries, and blackberries as you like

The Filling:
1 cup Mascarpone cheese
1 cup raw cream
Sugar to taste

The Chocolate Sauce for Plating:
1 tablespoon unsalted pasture butter
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1/4 balsamic vinegar
Dark chocolate to thicken

This cake is easy, amazing, and will leave you fat and happy. Mix the cake ingredients together until your batter is nice and smooth. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Place your smooth batter into a 9 inch round cake pan. Pop that bad boy in the oven for 30-40 minutes, or until the top is golden brown and a butter knife can come out cleanly.

Your Berry Topping is just as easy. Throw your Port and brown sugar into a sauce pan. On a low heat, stir until the sugar has melted. Just before pulling your syrup from the heat, approximately a minute or two, toss the berries in to let your syrup soak up the delicious flavors.

The Filling, literally stir the ingredients together until you get the desired sweetness. It is the exact opposite of rocket science.  You can use a whisk, a fork, or my personal favorite: the electric mixer to spin your raw cream into whipped cream, slowly adding the sugar to taste.  When it's light and fluffy, mix in your mascarpone.  Your filling is now ready.

Once your cake is done baking, slice it in half. You should have a nice rounded top piece and a level bottom piece. Each should be about an inch thick. Fill the middle of the two pieces with your Filling, scoop the Berries on top, drizzle with Syrup, and put that in the fridge to cool for a bit. You can even dust it with a touch of powdered sugar if you like.

Now, it's after dinner on your romantic day. The two of you are feeling the love. Pull out the cake. Place the cake lovingly as a center piece on your table. Adjourn to the kitchen to make your Chocolate Sauce. This part is easy. You are making a chocolate sauce. Put your ingredients in a sauce pan, dark chocolate last, and stir together over low heat until you have a smooth, thick, delicious sauce.

Cut your cake. Plate with care, making sure to get plenty of berries on it, and then cover with your Balsamic Chocolate Sauce. After eating, don't hesitate to leave the dishes out and go right back to the romantic part.

You're welcome.

Welcome to Fat Kid Noms!

Welcome ladies and gents.  Right here, on this here blog, we will be discussing recipes from all over the world.  Some of these will be comfort food recipes, while others are healthier meals that still make you feel fat and happy afterwards.  There will be restaurant reviews, cooking show reviews, ridiculous food porn (that will all be work safe, Scout's Honor), recipes, food etiquette, and many other things food related.  Basically, if you can eat it or drink it, we'll talk about it.

Honestly, there's a little Fat Kid in all of us.  Being a Fat Kid has nothing to do with body weight.  If you have personal image issues, please don't try to solve them here.  If you embrace your inner Fat, regardless of what you look like, and love how Fat Kid Noms make you feel, read, enjoy, and get down on some Noms!

Bottom line, this is for those of us that see Fat as a blissful state of mind!